Man what a month!

Ok again...It's been a while. This blogging stuff is work and honestly I have been so busy working through my life, it's been hard to write. So what have I been up to? Well the month of January consisted of my friend, Kristen and me injecting ourselves with daily doses of hormones. I can honestly say that I am so over needles at this point, it isn't even funny. Why you ask? Well if you didn't read the previous post, we were pursuing the egg donation route. I say WERE because as of last week all our efforts as human pin cushions didn't pay off. We found out Wednesday that the pregnancy test was negative and that's all I will say about that.

I thought I would be devastated, but this month I feel like I have actually grown up! It's a bitter sweet thing. Throughout this past month I have realized that I can't control everything. No matter how bad I want something to work, in the end sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I get so focused on doing something and trying to make something happen or fix something that I think needs fixing, that I forget to live life. This is what I have realized...Nothing in life should ever be expected or given to you just because you think you deserve or want it really bad. I just have to accept this this fact and live my life knowing that things will come.

So with that being said, we have decided to forgo any more fertility treatments and I have also decided to get off all the depressing ferlity online message boards. I know that with my chromosomal translocation, that persistence and patience are the keys to having a baby. It will not be an easy road, but as I have learned, nothing in life worth anything is easy. It usually takes hard work and dedication to get what you truly want. I feel like trying on our own and preparing mentally to take our time without the help of doctors, will be hard, but so much more meaningful in the end.

I am also done feeling sorry for myself for my "condition." Just because I don't have kids, doesn't mean my life is a failure. My life's happiness does not hinge on the successes/failures of whether or not we can have babies. I can sit around and cry about what I don't have or I can celebrate and embrace what I do have. I don't want to go through life trying to have kids. Instead, I want to LIVE life and when kids come, they come. Forrest and I have been given an opportunity to do what we want, when we want and how we want. We are blessed to have each other, our life and still the hope that kids will happen. I feel like I am in such a good place mentally, that I can say without hesitation, that I am excited about our unknown future and what life will throw our way.

I believe that we will be parents one day and until then, I want to grow more into my adult self, in my relationship with Forrest and in life. I can honestly say that for the first time in my life, I feel in control of me! I have realized I can't control anything or anyone else in my life, and to me that is complete freedom and power. It's only when I decided to let go of the control I thought I had over everything else in my life, that I truly am able to live without fear or judgment...and for that I am grateful and at peace with what is.